


Should've kept the trench coat

by somethinglikenotnatural



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean is sad, Happy Ending, Jack being Jack, M/M, djinn, s13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-08-01 07:21:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16280156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somethinglikenotnatural/pseuds/somethinglikenotnatural
Summary: When on a Djinn hunt gone wrong puts dean in his ideal world, he thinks about all the missed opportunities he's had with cas. But when he is soon forced back into reality Cas' death hurt him harder than watching him get stabbed. Dean is broken and sam has no clue on how to fix him, except for one way and he's going to need help from jack.





	1. Chapter 1

He lost everything, he lost cas, he lost his mom he even lost crowley. Its just him and sam, like it used to be but, it didn't feel like it used to be. He dropped down barely able to keep himself steady as he kneeled there beside cas. He picked up the lifeless body watching his tears fall on cas’ trenchcoat.

“I-I failed again-this is all my fault-I-Im so sorry” he repeated in between sobs. “Cas come back to me, cas come on we can fix this” dean didn't move almost as lifeless as cas. “It should be me not you” he cried, there was so much he didn’t say to cas, so many times in the awkward silence he just wanted to grab cas by his tie and kiss him silly, but of course dean never uttered a word about his true feelings and now cas is gone and he’s a coward a stupid coward he told himself.  
”you never deserved cas, your an asshole, no one loves you. Now he’s dead and your not.” 

Dean continued crying and he couldn’t stop, it was the only thing that he could do, what else could he do? He now had the devils fucking child and cas’ now dead body to take care of, but he couldn’t bring himself to move an inch, too afraid something would happen to his friends body.

Instead he laid his head on castiel’s chest thinking back to all the upside down fbi badges, their “profound bond” and every little thing he loved about the angel. He started playing with cas’ hair, twirling it in between his fingers like he did on movie nights, when cas got bored and rested his head on dean’s lap. It became a habit, how could it not when Cas practically melted in dean’s lap, purring as dean played with cas’ hair.

Dean lifted his head to look at the angel completely “Cas?” he said softly “Cas I am so sorry it should be me dead, you never deserved this cas-” he was going crazy, cas was dead because of him he didn’t deserve this, no way. He couldn’t do it. “Cas I can’t do this without you, I-I love you” he stuttered, placing his hand in cas’ “I need you” he cried. 

 

****  
Dean soon saw cas’ body for a second time to wrap it up and set it on fire. He did it, he did it all, and sam didn’t ask questions to busy with Jack. Tears burned his eyes as he lit the match and threw it on the grass beside cas’ body. The fire was strong, and warm but dean didn’t feel it, he didn’t feel anything anymore the pain was dull, mellowed by alcohol and self loathing.

He kept telling himself that it was just jimmy novak getting burned but it didn’t feel like that. It felt like cas was up there, it felt too soon, too early, but it always is. Jack and sam were talking about cas and all dean was thinking about was him, his trenchcoat, his crystal blue eyes, soft hair and perfect jawline but, he almost always is.

The drive to the bunker was nerve wracking and sad in many ways. It took all of dean to not cry or think about a life without him.

Jack kept asking questions that dean really didn’t want to answer. “What is a potato?”, “Why is it called a diner not a dinner?”, “Do all babies have to eat baby food?” dean was getting fed up as sam was answering them best he could until Jack had a question just for dean. 

“Dean? What was your relationship with my father castiel? Because it seemed you too cared for each other” there was a very long pause “are you my father as well?”

at this point dean was done, he stopped the car, got out and started pacing, sam quickly jumped out of the car because he knew this was a bad sign. Jack was confused, as always not knowing what he did wrong.

“Dean!” sam started, 

“stop it sammy” dean warned, but sam didn’t want to.

“Go easy on jack he’s new to this whole earth and life thing dean”

”No way did you just hear him!” he couldn’t believe sam was doing this to him, after all he’s lost, all that they’ve lost.

“He’s a kid dean and it’s a valid question, what was your relationship?” dean froze unsure what to answer, did he even know the answer?  
He turned and saw Jack out of the impala and now standing with his head tilted and his eyebrows high fiving just like cas’ does- did dean corrected himself. When he turned back around sam was still waiting for an answer that dean didn’t have so he just got in the car honked and once everyone was in he hit the gas straight to the bunker. 

****

The long car ride meant plenty of time for dean to think about cas and by the time they were home dean was a mess, of course he just told sam that he was tired and sam wasn’t going to fight with him.

Once dean got into his room he just lost control. He first took his anger out on his chair then the wall, punching everything until his hands were bleeding, he didn’t care though, he didn’t care about anything, he just wanted cas to come back and say it was okay. Cas was so good at calming him down Fuck he thought all he could think about was cas. God he missed him.

He got up and stumbled to the kitchen where he drowned himself in alcohol until he couldn’t even feel his hand. It hurt, it hurt so much, why cas? why not him? he was worthless he thought, crying again. 

He was interrupted by lucifer's child sitting across from him. “I’m sorry” jack muttered, he was crying himself “I didn’t mean to hurt you, dean I jus-”It’s fine” dean answered pulling back his tears, before jack could finish. Dean was lying it wasn’t fine and neither was he. “What was he like- my father” Jack asked sniffling “uhh he-” dean didn’t know what to say, breaking the silence dean decided to speak from his heart,“he was a very good man, he was kind, and caring, and even if he didn’t understand he tried to-” his breath hitched just thinking about cas, he inhaled deeply and continued. “Even as an angel he had a big heart, a love for earth and humans and- I had a love for him” dean sighed, it felt good for him to get it off his chest, if only the one it was meant for knew it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about spelling mistakes. hope you like chapter 2

Dean woke up feeling like a huge bag of melted jolly ranchers, with his stomach sloshing around and a huge migraine. He got up anyway shuffling to the kitchen when he saw Sam and Jack in the war room.

“I got a case!” he heard jack say as dean grabbed some coffee and made his way to join them.

He sat down as jack beamed at him as if waiting for permission to start. “What’s the case?” dean asked while sipping his coffee giving him the go ahead, “okay so many people have been going missing just out of town, with reports of people with strange tattoos being with the victims just before they disappear. But some of the missing victims come back still in their own world, they talk to themselves or randomly fall unconscious for days at a time” “so, djinn with a witch maybe?” dean wondered out loud “I don’t know but it’s worth checking out” sam said as Jack sat there as happy as a clam for finding a case

“Cool we leave in 20” dean said as he got up from the chair and left to get ready. A case he thought, was i ready for a case? Especially with satans sack of potatoes going with us. He wasn’t bad last night when he came to see me crying, but that could all be fake, Cas trusted him though so i should too. Fuck he thought, there i go again with cas, maybe this case will be good for me, get my mind off of him. It’s just so hard to forget him.

****  
Dean plopped his duffel bag in the trunk and shut it, just to see Sam staring at him, “God dammit sammy you scared me” he said grabbing sam’s bag reopening the trunk and closing it again.

“Dean-” he started with his puppy dog eyes, dean knew this wouldn't go well.”How are you-I know this whole cas stuff is messing you up real bad and you’ve been through hell” he chuckled at his own little joke. “Cas was your friend too Sam” dean said defensively. “Dean- we all know you two were closer than cas and I, remember your “profound bond”” he put in quotes with a cas impression to go along with it. Dean knew their profound bond too well. He remembers thinking about it the night after he said that like a little teenager with their crush. “Or the way you two look at each other, I mean if he looked at me that way I would think he’s cheating!” Sam exclaimed.

“Whatever Sam I’m fine” he said about to end the conversation when jack came in to start a new one.”I’m so excited!” he exclaimed getting in the car waiting for them to join him. They followed, and got into the car as it roared to a start leaving the bunker behind them ready to fight whatever shit bag they needed to. 

****

They arrived at the motel about 1 hour later as they all unloaded the car.“I call showering, you and ca-jack, you and jack go get food” dean said hoping no one would notice his mistake, as he closed the bathroom door so they couldn’t see the tears collecting in his eyes and the deep pink shade flushing over his cheeks. Fuck he thought how fucking bad can i be, get yourself together! He slapped his face and turned on the water letting it turn hot on his tired muscles. He finished his shower and walked out into the motel room as he dried off, waiting for Sam and jack to arrive with his food. 

Once he got dressed he walked over to his computer and started researching how to get back angels; he knew that god wasn’t answering and he told sam cas wasn’t coming back but he didn’t want to believe it. After a few searches came up with nothing he knew he would have to use the bunkers vast options of books to find something instead. He opened a new tab and started looking for warehouses that the djinn could be using for their victims, a few came up and he wrote them down as jack bust through the door saying “I have the munchies!” clearly not knowing what it ment.

“Great!” dean replied as he sat down, biting on his burger.

“I found a few warehouses where the djinn could be holding our victims, so I say we go see the police and find the warehouse”

Which is exactly what they did. The police knew very little (like always) and they were on their way to the first warehouse hoping the djinn or the witch or whatever were in it. 

“Jack you stay in the car, don’t get out unless you need to pee or someone is trying to kill you. Got it?”dean said like a protective dad “But I want to come with you an-and save people, I can move the pencil now I can help you guys! I have been improving an-and I can help” Jack replied obviously hurt emotionally by being benched. He looked over to sam, his face filled with pity “Sam-”jack whined “Jack it’s safer for you to stay back, you have been doing better but we can’t risk losing you right now after everything”Sam fought against Jack hoping he would cave. “fine” jack said with his arms crossed and a small pout crossing his lips, like a two year old in time out. 

“Alright Sam let’s go kick some ass.” dean said opening the door letting sam walk in first, sure enough there were about 10 to 15 people on shitty mattresses hooked up to iv machines keeping them alive for the djinn to snack on.

Dean signaled sam to go up one way as dean did the other, unhooking people and shaking them awake, but just as dean was getting to his third person he heard sam get slammed against a wall with a large thud.Dean was quick to respond running after the djinn, but only stabbing it in the arm as the djinn deflected his blade. 

Dean lost the upper hand as the djinn punched dean and started using his mojo holding deans head, eyes glowing, tattoos shining and deans power draining. He felt his knees cave in first as the djinn slowly took hold, dean started to see a faint face, rough stubble and crazy hair, just blurry enough that he could tell who he was looking at, “Cas!” He yelled grabbing the air in front of him drifting away from reality and submerging into a dream of a life he wanted to live.

“CAS!” he yelled again seeing cas walk towards him, only for him to slip away again. “CAS where are you I can’t see you!” he screamed searching for his friend in the thick fog as he reached out once again.

“Cas where are you?” he asked, Cas emerged again but something was off. He could see him fully now so he looked around him.

“I’ve missed you so much” castiel said as dean walked down the bunkers stairs and wrapped him in a hug, “I’ve missed you too cas.” dean said muffled by cas’ trench coat. Dean knew he was in a dream state but he really didn’t mind as cas kissed him, or when he said said “welcome home dean” in a soft voice dean just couldn’t resist. “I’m glad to be back” he replied and brought cas into a tight embrace once more. If he is stuck here the rest of his life so be it because cas is back and that’s all he ever really wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just heard mark sheppard is returning and I'm freaking tf out. I hope you liked this one! will post the next one soon.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is late.

Dean woke up to the smell of pancakes and pie, letting his senses guide him to the kitchen, he sat down at the table and poured himself some coffee as a plate was tossed in front of him by none other than Cas. He sat next to dean and admired the view while he engulfed the breakfast castiel made for him. “Taste good?” cas asked already knowing the answer by all the noises coming from beside him “isss wermy gooth” he said mouth full of food. “I’m glad you like it” cas smiled. Dean continued eating and enjoyed the company of Cas nuzzled up beside him, as dean was his only heat source now that castiel stopped cooking. Dean didn’t mind and he’s sure cas didn’t either. 

They stayed cuddled beside each other while dean ate and a bit after. Sam and Jack passed by grabbing some coffee and returning to the war room to do research on god knows what, and they eventually moved to join them.

“So what are you two geeks working on?” dean asked, a little surprised they were still in there. “Oh just lucifer, you might know him about yea tall, cocky and looking a little ruff I imagine” Sam said bitchy as always. Damn dean thought i would’ve thought we finished that in my ideal world “where's mom?” he asked hoping it wasn’t a bad answer. Sam huffed, almost in disbelief that he just said that while dean just stared. “maye if you and your angel weren't all smoochy smoochy all the time and you got your head out of your ass you would know shes on a hunt” Sam answered obviously annoyed by dean’s comment 

“well fuck sam I’m sorry I forgot. So how is project Luci coming along?” he asked switching subjects and grabbing Cas’ hand to hold it. 

“Um it’s going” sam answered, focused on the book infront of him. “I found out that Lucifer had a nickname at one point, and god called him monkey for a week straight” Jack answered a little confused on his findings, squinting at the book to confirm what he just read. “Are you sure that’s legit?” dean asked turning to see cas with a big grin on his face that put dean at peace.

“I remember that week” cas giggled “we also called gabriel a hippo that week and needless to say michael was not happy about it” Cas was laughing at this point and so was everyone else. Dean thought it was hilarious and he could tell jack was just happy that he found that fun fact. He looked over at cas, and it felt like the whole world was in slow motion, taking in every molecule of his perfect face, he felt like he could see the universe through cas’ eyes, galaxies, and planets revolving around with stars to complement it. His mouth in a huge grin as he laughed his heart out that made deans own heart swell with happiness. 

Dean’s thoughts were soon interrupted when cas turned to him and said that they should probably get ready and help research or go on a food run. Dean wasn’t going to argue so he got up with cas and they migrated to their room, taking their time and making frequent stops to kiss each other, attached at the you know- everything.  
****  
Almost an hour later, cas and dean emerged with clothing on. “What the fuck took you guys so long! I’m hungry and it’s your turn to get food” sam complained as dean went to grab his keys and a coat. “Fine.” dean answered a little taken aback by the tone of his voice.

“Come on cas let’s go find food. What do you guys want?”dean asked a foot out the door “can I have a milkshake and some fries? I love dipping the fries in the milkshake.” Jack answered while scrunching up with happiness thinking about his food. “Okay and for sasquatch?” “a salad” sam said in a bitchy tone once again. “And don’t take hours this time will you!” sam yelled as dean shut the door behind cas. 

“whew! What is up with sam!” dean exclaimed getting into the driver's seat and turning on the ignition. “I don’t know” Cas responded, brows furrowed. “Whatever it is, it better end soon. His bitchy remarks are getting on my nerves!” “now you know how it feels” cas teased, inching towards dean. “You make it very hard to drive you know that right?” dean said keeping his eyes on the road. “That’s my job” cas responded, now nuzzled beside him humming to ACDC.

Dean turned up the music and drove a little faster now that he could hear his stomach grumbling at this point. “Hey Cas?” dean asked as the beautiful angel looked up at him.

“I love you” he said, putting an arm around cas and moving him closer than before. 

“I love you too dean” cas responded almost a mumble and he positioned himself to put his head on dean’s lap, which reminded dean that the life he is now living is fake, thinking back to movie nights in reality and how cas isn’t really alive. 

“You okay?” cas asked, seeing dean biting on his lip “yea” dean responded not wanting cas-fake cas to worry. “We’re here!” dean sang as they both exited the vehicle, but he couldn’t shake this feeling he had, thinking back to reality and cas not being there. They were in and out in no time, and sped to the bunker not wanting the food to get cold, and not wanting to get yelled at by Sam. “Hi honey I’m home!” dean yelled only to see cas very hurt “I thought i was your honey?” “you are cas it’s an expression you know that” dean said not wanting to hurt Cas’ feelings. “Ya i know just pulling your leg” he said, a huge grin crossing his face. “Ugh, you're unbelievable dean said setting to food on the table and letting Sam and jack dig in first. “I fuckin love these” Jack said dipping fries in his milkshake “Hey!” dean yelled “don’t use that language you’re only like a three months old or some shit””dean- he has sorta heard it a lot from you” sam said waiting for dean to answer. In turn dean huffed and dropped, not happy that his sorta son is swearing at such a young age. “Alright so lets get studying!” Cas exclaimed, pretending to be happy about it like those pilates instructors. “fine , pass me those books” dean said as he opened a beer. 

****  
About 6 hours into research, little tid bits of Luci’s life as a young angel came up but nothing useful. “I say Cas and I make dinner while you two take a break before your brains explode.” “Sounds good!” they all said in usion that made dean a little creeped out as he strolled into the kitchen, dragging cas along with him. “I was thinking good ol’ macaroni!” dean said to cas, explaining how to make it so he could help out or just provide company as he cooked. “Okay I’m reasy” cas said grabbing two aprons and chef hats to match. “Where the fuck did you get those?” dean asked, a little astonished. “At the restaurant they gave them for free if you bought M&Ms.” “Awesome!” dean said adjusting cas’ hat. “Let’s get cooking!”   
****  
Jack and sam came in a few times to check on the process and each time they were surprised how slow they were making it. “Lets hurry it up, will you” Sam said hungry and impatient, and just like that dean and cas came storming in with macaroni, setting it on the table.” I’ll get the plates and you get the forks” sam said to jack, rushing into the kitchen. One back, they all dug into there food, eating and enjoying each others company. At night they all bid a farewell and went to bed. Cas stayed with dean all night watching the rise and fall from his chest as he slept. As dean dozed off all he could think about was how lucky he was to have cas in his life, as reality slipped his mind and was soon lost forever. Now emerged in dream world, dean had no memory of this world being fake, as he slept through the night with cas in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! the next chapter will be posted this week or next week.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is a bit late I'm not in the writing mood rn. will post later next week.

“How long do you think he will be unconscious?” jack asked, following sam into dean’s room. I don’t know but if he isn’t up in five days I’m going to get him” sam huffed placing dean on the bed.

“Wait you can do that? Do it now then!” Jack said confused on why they aren’t saving him now “I can’t” sam answered closing the door as they left dean in his room “Why!” jack said frustrated “look-” sam said sitting them down.

“Dean is in his head right now and I am 99 percent sure it is a dream world that he wishes he could live in. Cas is probably alive in his head and right now-and he needs this and if you want to go take him from fake me, fake cas and fake you than so be it! But the longer we can delay this and the longer dean can be happy the better. And while we are waiting for five days to be up let’s figure out a way we can get cas back.”  
Sam sighed finishing his speech. 

“Do you really think that would be good for him?” Jack asked very curious “I don’t know but I would rather he is mad at me for leaving him in there than taking him out after being in there for like I don’t know 2 weeks” “Two weeks! I thought you said five days!” jack said worried about the changed plans “no” sam replied “time is different in djinn world. For all we know in his head it’s been a year” “oh” jack answered understanding the concept.

“Okay now let’s do some research!”sam exclaimed grabbing boxes of books from the shelves of the bunker. They started their marathon of books, grabbing one by one and flipping through it to find basically nothing or info they knew already and halfway through they decided to have dinner.

“What do you want?” sam asked as he stood up grabbing his shoes and keys to the impala. “I thought I would just come with you!” Jack smiled hoping he would say yes “okay, grab your coat and shoes and meet me in the impala” sam said walking into the garage, jack right behind him and once the food was decided they left in pursuit of tacos. 

“You ready to try one?” sam asked in the drive thru of taco bell. “Yes!” jack exclaimed “is there any milkshakes or fries?I love those!” “I know you do jack, we are getting that after” sam said as the radio spoke. 

“Hi welcome to taco bell can I get you order?”   
****  
Once back at the bunker they pushed the books to the side to make way for the food. They dove in starting with tacos that jack enjoyed immensely and finished with fries and milkshakes.

“Sam?’ jack asked sounding a little scared. “Mmmhhh” sam said mouth full of fries. “Do you really think in dean’s dream world- umm- do you really think I’m in it?” jack asked thinking sam would make fun of his question. 

“Well” sam chuckled a little, “jack- you are family and even if you think you don’t matter you do and dean comes off a little strong with his big “I have no feelings” thing but we all know he loves you like a little brother or son.” sam finished grinning at jack. 

“Do you think of me as family?” Jack asked, eyes wide anticipating the answer. 

“Of course jack! I think of you as family more than I think of my dad as family” sam replied, finishing his food and throwing out his trash. 

“Sam?” jack asked again Holy fucking shit now what sam thought as jack asked another question “what?” sam asked trying to sound like he didn’t mind jack was asking him a million questions. “We are going to get cas back and dean will be okay.” jack stated like he knew the answer to all their problems. “Thanks jack” sam said reassured, it really helped him in a weird way and with that the decided to call it a night.

****

Day two was a rough start as Jack crawled out of bed, rubbing his eyes and looking at his clock that read 11:42 am. It was later than he expected so he went straight to the war room looking for sam, only when he stepped in the room sam was nowhere to be seen. “Sam?!” he yelled, worry settling into his stomach. “Saam!?” he asked again, not sure what to do, “where are you sam?” jack said this time on the verge of tears, and just like that Sam walked in worried himself. “I was just on a run no need to afraid- are you ok? What’s wrong?” sam asked letting questions flow through him. “No I’m ok it’s just that i’ve-we’ve lost so much and i thought I was going to lose you and we just lost dean and I don’t know I-I was scared and-” Jack was trembling and spiraling not knowing what was happening to him, “shhh it’s ok” sam said reassuringly, rocking Jack back and forth like a little baby that woke up in the night. “Everything’s ok” he repeated to jack slowing calming him down. At this point they were sitting on the floor as sam was holding jack. Still hyperventilating, jack thanked Sam and moved on to the kitchen. “Is dean up or anything?” Jack asked sniffling. “Uhh not that I know of, I think he still down for the count, but I’ll update you or you could check on him when you need to know.” sam mentioned walking over to the fridge and grabbing a water. “I guess I could but I really don’t want to.” Jack admitted.   
****  
Most of the 5 days were like this only different days of the week and different dinners. Sam was getting more and more stressed as he knew he would have to take dean out of his world and be greeted by no cas. He could not watch dean as he broke apart, he just didn’t want to, Cas dying was hard enough and now he has to watch go through it a second time. Maybe he should keep him in there? He couldn’t get cas back, everything was coming up as nothing, he would have to face it, face dean and tell him cas was not coming to see him and that they had to move on.


	5. Chapter 5

Dean woke up to his very own angel nuzzled against him as he woke up the next morning.  
“Rise and shine my honey bee” cas said drawing shapes on dean’s arms, slowly outlining nonexistent circles and playing with his hair.   
“Morning-” dean responded turning over to look at cas. He started to stare into cas’ eyes studying him, with irises brighter than the ocean and a face so clear and beautiful it might as well be porcelain, dean just couldn’t believe he became so lucky to have cas, so lucky that they were dating an- “dean?” cas asked ripping dean out of his thoughts, “are you doing okay?” he continued a little bothered. “Ya I was just thinking about how lucky I am” dean said kissing his forehead and jumping out of bed. “Are you sure you’re okay dean?” cas asked again confused by dean’s answer, “better than ever!” dean responded walking out into the bunkers hallway and stopping at the kitchen grabbing coffee. “Why do you ask?” he turned around and cas was right behind him like expected, “I don’t know I just thought you were a bit off” he said looking at dean as if trying to read his mind. “Oh don’t pull that voodoo crap on me cas. I don’t know what games you are playing but- just like don’t” dean finished, taking a sip of his coffee and sitting in the war room. 

“ I am just a little worried that’s all” Cas said sitting beside him and wrapping his hand in dean’s. “Well you don’t need to be, I’m fine.” dean said in a huff “fine” cas finished as jack and sam walked in with breakfast. “I didn’t know what to get so I got everything on the menu!” jack exclaimed. “Great! I could eat” dean responded ripping open a bag and starting with pancakes. 

“Any weird deaths been popping up?” dean asked muffled by his chewing. “We haven't found anything yet but we haven't finished looking- we sorta stopped when jack started getting hangry.” sam responded looking down at jack who was also stuffing his face. “And luci?” dean asked continuing the conversation, “uh not much has come up but we’re hopeful” sam answered, sounding a bit uneasy. “We will find him” cas said reassuringly, trying to get sam to smile. “Oh I sure hope so!” jack added finishing his food and throwing out the garbage.

“So what are you two love birds doing today?” sam asked changing subjects, “well-” dean started nudging cas who was very oblivious. “I was planning on taking cas to a halloween store and finding us a costume. After we find one I thought we could go and eat together- like by ourselves” dean said shuffling his feet a bit embarrassed by his thought. “That sounds great” cas said taking dean’s attention off his feet and onto cas’ beautiful face. “Oh we don’t have to” dean muttered scared he would shoot down his suggestion “no I want to, I really do dean- that’s a great idea when do we leave” cas said grabbing dean’s other hand and gazing into his eyes as if searching for something. “I was thinking lunchtime” dean said a bit more confident than before, getting up to refill his coffee. “I’ll be ready” cas responded lovingly returning his attention to his own coffee.   
“You guys are so fun.” jack said getting up and moving to the library where sam had already gone, and dean returned to cas’ side as if he had never left it. “So what did you want to be for halloween this year dean?” cas asked scared of the answer. “Well I was thinking angel and devil but you already are an angel and being lucifer isn’t very suiting so, I was thinking a bee and honey- if that’s okay with you” dean finished hesitating at the end. “Sounds- amazing” cas said pausing in between to add suspense. “Well now the only hard part is finding it” dean said looking at cas with a nervous gaze.  
“Dean it’s about the journey not the destination” cas said looking back at him with a stern look. “Cas?” dean asked, “yes?” cas returned. “We sort of have a lot of time to kill” dean grinned, grabbing cas’ hand and tugging him towards their room.

****

“Dean you look fine, I’m not dressing up” cas said trying to get dean to stop fidgeting. “I’m sorry I’m nervous” dean shot back looking at cas. “Just because I don’t constantly look as flawless as you doesn’t mean I don’t try” dean sighed giving up on his shirt. “Dean- you are perfect now haul your ass in the car and let’s go.” cas said tying his shoes “fuck! I’m going!” dean exclaimed exasperated, grabbing his coat and climbing into baby. “Dean I think the term is, step on it” cas said putting an AC/DC cassette into the player. Dean listened and started up the engine leaving the bunker as if it was on fire. 

****

When they walked into the halloween stare they were greeted with kids screaming and parents chasing after them, teens in a huddle and employees trying their best. They started in the aisle that read “food” and when nothing showed there they migrated to the animals section where sure enough there was a little bee just for cas. 

“What size should we get” dean asked playfully grabbing a men’s medium and continuing the search for honey. Each aisle turned up nothing and dean was giving up hope. “Why don’t we just ask the employees?” cas asked dean nudging him towards one. 

“Fine but you’re doing the talking” Dean persisted “only because I love you” cas said walking over to a worker who moved to the back and returned with a honey costume in hand.

“There Dean was that so hard?” cas asked, pretending to be mad. “No but only because you did it” “and thank you” dean said crossing his arms like a kid in timeout “you are welcome now lets buy this and get to dinner” cas said taking over and putting things in checkout. “Okay I’m fucking starving” dean responded walking out of the store, cas trailing behind. 

****  
Once they were seated at their table they ordered things they have never heard of and waited for their food to arrive, busying themselves with monster and bunker talk. Food was placed on their table and they began eating and talking when out of the blue dean just blurted out “jacks been really good- I-I mean like he-his powers and doing human things” dean nervously rubbed the back of his neck when cas responded “yes he has improved greatly because of us all” dean nodded and continued eating. “Thanks for coming today” dean said changing subjects. 

“It was great dean, you have to stop doubting yourself you are an amazing- boyfriend” cas said hesitating as if it was a forbidden word and dean’s heart went in flames, they always do when cas talks about them or about anything, he loved cas and never wanted to leave him dean. Suddenly he felt immense guilt and flashes of cas on fire flooded his memories. He slammed his elbows on the table holding his head as cas’ death replayed in his head over and over. Cas was by his side asking him questions trying to keep him grounded but dean was lost in bubble of what felt like a dream but sadly it was only his reality, his was crying now and everyone was staring at him. Cas slammed money on the table and ran out with dean throwing him in the impala and rushing to the bunker.

Dean slowly came to his senses halfway home apologizing to cas profusely as he denied dean ruining anything. “What happened” asked cas trying to keep his eyes on the road. “I don’t know” dean responded “all I remember was eating deer or something and then being here.” “did you see anything?” cas said worried. “i-I don’t know I don’t remember anything” dean lied, he remembered every second of what happened. A replay of cas dying, his body burning, it being deans fault. That’s what dean remembered but he was not going to say anything, not one word because he didn’t want to upset cas.

Once they got inside they were attacked with questions and they responded with little answers scurrying to bed to get some peace and quiet. They stayed in their room talking until jack and sam went to bed, when they heard the sound of their doors closing dean and cas were quick to open theirs, going to the kitchen to eat a midnight snack. Sadly they were greeted with sam in the kitchen as they walked in it. 

“I thought you were in bed” cas said as confused as dean. Sam face was filled with pity as he looked at dean and cas wrapped around each other standing there staring at him. “What’s wrong” dean said stepping forward, looking at sam as he squirmed in his seat a little. “Uhh-” he hesitated not wanting to say anything. “What’s wrong sam” dean asked again getting impatient.

“Dean- do you remember?” sam asked on the verge of tears. 

“Do I remember what?” dean asked holding onto cas and meeting eye contact. 

“Dean that’s not cas- that’s not your cas” sam finally said sighing. 

“Yes it is real cas- this is my cas” dean said in distress grabbing at cas’ face and pinching his cheeks 

“this is all real!” dean said now yelling confused and scared. “Dean- cas is dead” sam said. 

“He can’t be h-he is right here” dean stuttered as he watched his whole world crumble in front of him. His whole life, reality, his real memories started coming to him as he cried, feeling himself break piece by piece. He realized why sam was in the kitchen and why he wasn’t sam but was sam at the same time and finally it dawned on him that he would have to go back. He would have to leave cas and return to a world where one no longer exists.

“I can’t go back!” dean cried, wiping his nose and letting his tears fall. 

“Dean I know this is hard but we need you back” sam tried to reason with dean but he knew dean would ultimately make to decision.

“I can't live without him I can’t I- i can’t “ dean stuttered rocking back and forth grieving the loss of his friend again. He knew he had to return. His mind was telling him to return but he couldn’t even move a muscle, he felt broken, his heart was in a billion pieces, his muscles and bones were mush, he wasn’t thinking straight and he was crying so loud and hard the town could hear. He went from buying couples costumes to a destroyed man laying on a fake kitchen floor surrounded by a fake world. 

“Dean I don’t have much time but please come back” sam pleaded. Dean knew what he had to do but he didn’t want to.

He grabbed cas bringing him down to sit beside dean’s now frail body as dean wrapped himself around cas and holding on to him like it was all that was left. It almost was. Dean grabbed a knife from the counter ready to stab himself and return to the shit place he calls reality. He held onto cas pressing his forehead to cas’ tears streaming from his face. Sam was watching it all go down in despair not sure what to do. Dean kissed cas like it was the last thing he would ever do holding on to him knowing he would soon slip his grasp. Dean held the knife to his heart sobbing as he looked at cas letting the blade pierce his heart and kill him. He saw cas disappear from his hands, everything disappearing around him slowly surrounding him in darkness before he rose up gasping for air in his room. 

He looked around seeing jack and sam and zero sign of cas. At first it was shock, he was completely still, and then reality kicked in and soon enough he realized what he had lost. He was gone. Forever. Dean thought, sobbing in his bed as jack and sam stared too sad to say anything. Instead they stared and dean cried. He cried like it was competition. All he could think about was cas, the memories of cas dying and him dating fake cas alternating, he was not just grieving the loss of his cas again but now the fake one too, making him spiral into an abyss of darkness and dread. He might’ve been able to escape purgatory but there was no telling if he could ever escape this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is late and a bit longer than the ones i have been making but I hope you liked it! I just got the james charles palette and I very happy about it. Thanks for reading.


	6. Chapter 6

Dean woke up the next morning sadder than he was the night before, if that was even possible.

He crawled out of bed every muscle in his body aching, it wasn't just his muscles, his heart and his head wrenched at the thought of cas. He was filled with regret. Dean regretted everything, he regretted leaving the fake world, he regretted never saying I love you to real cas and finally, he regretted not killing himself when he had the chance. When he had the chance to leave a world with people he loved in it, instead of experiencing the great loss of his best friend and favorite angel. 

It was all his fault anyway, if he killed himself cas would still be here and maybe all the other people that died would be here too. Like charlie, kevin, jo,ellen, bobby. He was spiraling into deep thoughts of every single person he lost, every person that he believed died because of him. 

He can't see light at the end of the tunnel, he never did but, he knew cas and sam did. Why does he deserve to live, why was he here and cas not. He cried and cried unable to bring himself to feel any other emotion other than guilt and sadness. The darkness took him in and brought him down deep. He felt like he was drowning but he couldn't escape the water he couldn't breathe but he couldn't die, the only thing worse than death is wanting to die and not being able to. The slim chance of cas being brought back was the only thing standing in between dean and death. He had been crying for so long tears wouldn't come out anymore, he was hyperventilating, wrapped in blankets but cold to the bone. 

He would get up and go get more blankets but he felt like you didn't deserve warmth it would remind him too much of the warm embrace of castiel everytime they were days away from seeing each other. Every time one of the died or got captured, they would reunite and hug like they hadn’t seen each other in years. If Dean got up sam and jack would ask him questions. Ask him how he was doing, how he was feeling. He knew he couldn't answer them without falling onto the ground and crying again so he sat in his bed wrapped blankets, hyperventilating and crying because it was the only thing he could do. 

He brought his head down looking at his hands and prayed. “Cas-” he croaked “Cas i don't know if you can hear me but- I'm sorry. I’m so so sorry, I never thought it would end like this you were supposed to live eons and eons after me why are you gone before me. why isn't it me why-” he stopped he didn’t even know if cas could hear him but he couldn’t bring himself to end the prayer. If he did, it would be like saying goodbye for the last time, so he didn’t. He stayed in his ball muttering sorry’s to cas for hours after as if he was listening. Hoping he was listening.

****

“Will he ever stop?” jack asked sitting in the war room with sam. 

“Honestly- I don’t know” sam responded sipping his coffee, returning to his book about angels.

“These books have been no help, I don’t know if we can ever get cas out” Jack said biting his lip nervously wondering what he should say next. “Sam?” jack asked “ya” sam responded looking up from his book again.

“What- uh what did dean dream about- like in uhh his dream world?” jack finished hesitating.

“I wasn’t in his head for long but-” sam’s eyes stung as tears tried to escape at the thought of how happy dean was.

“Dean was happy- really happy, he was with cas and they were so cute together” sam continued sniffling 

“I was there in the bunker and you were too” sam said as jack smiled, proud to be there. 

“I took him out of his dream state right after their date. Dean was beaming and cas was too. Un- until he realized who I was and he just broke down in front of me. I watched him sob at the thought of cas and it was probably the hardest thing I will experience.” sam finished lifting the book up to hide his tears.

The sound of dean wailing from the other room broke the silence as jack did as well.

“Will he ever stop crying?” jack asked again. Sam stopped, put his book down and said “as long as he is crying we know he’s alive. - Him stopping might be our biggest issue.” Jack nodded and got up, going to bed. 

He walked in his room and stopped in the doorway, the sound of dean crying made him stop and he, like dean prayed. “Cas- Please come back I want to meet you and dean needs you.” he finished collapsing on his bed falling asleep hoping dean would wake up the next morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this one is so short, I didn't know how to end it. I think the next chapter will be the last. Thanks for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to add another chapter for the end. and I'm really spooked for what's to come this season (ep12) i really hope its good. Anyway enjoy this chapter! thanks for reading.

Dean had been crying for days getting up a few times to go to the bathroom and to drown himself in alcohol, getting up at night not wanting to risk seeing sam and jack. They gave dean distance and popped their head in almost everyday to see if he was still alive.

Dean hadn't showered or eaten in days he didn't want to, he couldn't. The thought of dean doing anything other than thinking about cas made him sick. The only trips to the bathroom were to pee or vomit. He smelled horrible and was so tired he started seeing things. He would see cas sitting across from him and it would make him feel worse- he would cry harder unable to stop. He was so hungry that moving hurt him and he was slowly eating away at his body. But that did not make him eat, he felt as though he deserved to be punished. He deserved to feel the pain that he was sure cas felt on his last dying breath. 

He laid on his bed, music blaring in his ears thinking about all the pain he put castiel through.  
Why did cas stay? Why didn't cas kill him when he first met him? Why did they share a profound bond? And why, after all the pain they put each other through, did dean still love him? he was supposed to be his best friend, he was never supposed to fall in love with cas, so why did he? Why did god choose dean and castiel to fall in love and did cas even love him? dean was sure angels couldn't feel, couldn't fall in love, but why did it feel like he did? 

Uriel told him that cas’ weakness was that he liked dean and it took no time at all for dean to like cas so, after all that dean and cas had been through. Why out of every angel, did god chose cas, the beautiful blue eyed angel with daddy issues to raise him from perdition? Was is it all just for dean to fall in love with a creature that shouldn't feel but made dean feel everything all at once? To later realize that every girl he went out with never made him feel much as castiel did. Or was it just to punish dean, after all he did to the world, he needed to be punished. Was it to make him fall in love and later kill cas in front of him? All he knew was whatever option it was. No matter which path he chose, it ended in heartbreak.

Dean stopped his music and got up wobbling to the door when someone knocked on it, startling dean and sending him flying back, knocking his head on is bed on the way down. The sound of him falling made the door swing open revealing jack there rushing toward dean who fainted because of how little he had been eating. 

“Dean!” jack yelled as sam came rushing in as well thinking the worst.

“What happened?” sam asked picking up dean and putting him on his bed. 

“He fainted when I opened the door. I think he was getting up as I knocked I’m- sorry” jack said about to cry.

“Its ok jack dean will wake up it isn’t your fault” sam said reassuringly. Sure enough dean did a few minutes after and jack was there when he did. 

“What the fuck happened” dean said looking at jack.

“Uhh- you fainted I’m sorry” jack responded. “Its ok jack” dean said burying himself in blankets. 

“Will you come watch a movie with us” jack asked. Jack actually asked dean if he wanted to watch a movie everyday and he shot him down every time. Dean met eyes with jack and realized how much he looked like cas. The way his eyebrows met when he got confused and every other movement matched cas’.He could feel the tears pushing to get out but he shoved them down. 

“Sure jack I’ll be there in a minute.” dean said as jack got up and skipped down the hall where he could hear him tell sam the news. Dean got up and walked towards the door again making sure he wouldn’t faint this time. 

“What movie are we watching” dean asked shaking. 

“We are watching die hard!” jack exclaimed not knowing what the movie was.

“Cool” dean said sounding disappointed. “We can watch something else” jack said “no it sounds great, really good job jack.” dean said sitting down beside where cas should be when jack sat in cas’ spot. “I hope you don’t mind me sitting here” jack said “I know this isn’t my spot but it looks like you could use some company.” dean almost yelled at jack for sitting in cas’ spot but he knew jack was trying to help so he let it slide. 

The movie was good as expected but it took every part of dean to not cry. Halfway through the movie sam went to bed as always, and jack’s head slowly made his way onto dean’s lap. Dean pet jack’s head as if it was cas’ without even thinking. And for one moment dean was filled with warmth and happiness, he started to remember why he loved cas and all the reasons cas was perfect. He sat in content until it dawned on him that it was jack on his lap and his world came crashing down for the third time in one month. 

He felt his heart drop, he stopped petting jack’s head and even though he was surrounded by people he loved he suddenly felt completely and utterly alone. Dean was isolated in his own world of dread and sorrow, trapped in a world without cas. He felt like nothing, like everything he did in the world meant nothing without cas by his side. Dean felt as if he was there for no reason. As if the world leveled up to nothing against castiel. Why should dean fight for the world when the only person he ever fought for wasn't there. He started sobbing quietly not to wake up jack. For the first time in one month dean realized that cas probably wasn't coming back and dean started to wonder if he would ever be happy again.


	8. Chapter 8

Dean found himself on the couch the morning after with tears dried onto his face leaving behind crusty marks. He got up letting every bone in his back crack as he walked to his room ready to spend the day there.

Just as he was walking through his door he was greeted by jack’s grinning face again. “Good morning dean!” he exclaimed as dean wondered if he could ever talk quietly. “Morning” he responded, flopping on his bed and staring at the ceiling. 

He noticed that jack was still looking at him so he turned over, looking back at him. 

“What do you need jack?” dean asked hoping it would be an easy answer. 

“Umm- would you come on a food run with sam and me? You just haven’t been out much a-and I think it would be good for you.” he finished, shuffling his feet. Dean didn't want to go at all but he could not bring himself to let jack down, he reminded him so much of cas.

“ I would love to” dean lied, seeing the instant happiness of jack. 

“Cool! We leave in an hour be-” he gestured to dean in general “clean”and with that he was skipping down the hallway, updating sam. 

Reluctantly, dean got up and brought a towel with him to the bathroom, turning on the shower and letting the water get hot. As he waited he thought about his life with and without cas, the amazing team they were each time it was just them and everything they had been through. The water turned hot and dean climbed in, letting it run down his back and shoulders returning his attention on cas. It was only when he was walking out of the shower when he realized cas had said I love you to dean without dean uttering a word back, dean didn’t notice how much he loved cas until cas was gone and it was too little too late. Dean dried off and got into clean clothes walking into the war room for the first time in months. 

“Hey dean good sleep?” sam mocked as he poured dean some coffee 

“hey sam the ending of the movie good?” he shot back thinking it was a good comeback but very wrong. He sat at the table sipping his coffee and listening to the tail end of Jack and sam’s conversation.

“Ready to go?’ sam asked as they grabbed their coat throwing one at dean 

“yea and I’m driving” dean said grabbing the keys

. “Oh no you are not” sam said taking them and raising them over his head, out of reach from dean.

“Why not!?” dean yelled outraged.

“Have you seen yourself dean you can’t drive unless-” sam said lowering the keys.

“Unless what?” dean asked cautiously. “ you can drive if we stop at a salad bar for more than ten minutes AND you have to eat a salad too.” 

“fine” dean said huffing past sam and getting in shotgun. 

The drive was getting long and dean was getting worried.

“What the fuck” he said at the 30 minute mark.   
“What” sam asked confused by the sudden outburst. 

“It has been 30 minutes, 30 fucking minutes! We are on a food run not a field trip.” dean said crossing his arms. 

“Relax we are almost there dean” jack said from the back and dean started to wonder if he was in a dream. Since when has jack had an attitude? They ended up arriving at a run of the mill store that are in the same part as they live and bought their normal shit. 

“And tell me again why we came all the way here?!” dean questioned as they were packing up.

“Because it has the good kale” jack and sam said in unison

“whatever” dean said and they all packed in baby again. 

“Dean I have to make another stop” sam said starting up the car. 

“As long as it doesn’t take long” dean answered, knowing he couldn’t stop them anyway. 

****  
Dean drummed away to led zeppelin and all the songs he put into the mix he gave to cas. It took every part of his body not to cry as he listened. Since giving the mix to cas each song in the cassette sounded different. They now had a mellow undertone and happiness at the same time. Almost every happy memory included him and cas and all of his saddest memories involved him missing cas. Once they arrived at the last destination dean’s eyes were wet and his head hurt. He got out of the car with sam and jack only realizing they weren’t at a store at all. Instead, a warehouse and an alleyway stood before them, as dean looked around he noticed that he was the only confused one as Jack and Sam stared at him waiting for god knows what. 

“What!?” dean asked and without saying anything they both just gestured for him to walk forward towards an old telephone booth with someone inside it. Without even thinking he brought out his gun quietly walking towards the entity proceeding with caution.

“Who are you?” he said walking closer. 

“He is not here to hurt you” Sam interrupted and dean lowered his gun, still not close enough to get a good look at them. Finally, the man stepped out, slowly turning around revealing cas with his hands in the air just in case. In the moment dean dropped the gun and ran towards cas, hands drawn out and finally took him in a hug. They said nothing for a good amount of time until dean pulled apart. An angel stood before him, an angel that is not supposed to have any emotions, not supposed to like humans, and angel not allowed to love. Dean grabbed cas by the tie and kissed as hard as he could. 

They melted into each other absorbing their bodies, making up the time they lost. The world spun around them like a romantic movie, only pulling apart when sam and jack made barking noises behind them. Dean couldn’t do anything but cry. He had so many emotions that it was the only thing possible. It was the first time he cried of happiness and when he looked up he saw cas crying too. The tears mad the blue in his eyes look more like an ocean like ever before and they held onto each other again like it was the last time they could, too afraid of losing each other again.

“Cas-” Dean finally spoke meeting cas’ eyes.

“You don’t understand how much I’ve missed you a- and how much you mean to me. - I-I was such a coward and a piece of shi-” 

“Dean stop” as said sitting them down in the pavement. He pet dean’s head and calming him down. 

“You can not apologize dean” dean’s blubbering stopped and he looked at cas again worried he might be in a fake world again. “Dean- in the empty it was well- empty and when jack woke me up I- the first thing I thought about was you I should not have any emotions I should be an angel, not a fuck up but dean you are my light and my weakness and I wouldn’t change it for the world” Cas finished rubbing off his and dean’s tears, sniffling. 

“Cas I- I love you so much and I didn’t tell you before when you told me because I was scared but you- dying was the scariest thing I have ever gone through and I realized how much you meant to me and-” dean’s tears were coming back but cas calmed them down. 

Sam and Jack had already climbed on the back of the impala knowing they would sit in the front and they did. The whole way back dean and cas held hands, listening to their mixtape and talking about how much they missed each other. They rode home moving cas’ stuff into dean’s room and going to bed finally knowing they were safe. In the end, their love was undeniable and the strongest it could be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I'm not the best at endings but that's the best I could do. Sorry for the spelling, mistakes!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked this chapter! this is my first fic and the third chapter I'm really struggling with. Thank you for reading it. I will post the next one soon!


End file.
